you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let's get the cat blown out
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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