You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
