Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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