like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
