The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
