True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
