Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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