don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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