the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
