she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
