My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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