I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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