haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
