My cat gives me a boner
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
