the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
