Pants 0. Shit 1.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
