i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
