then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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