I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
