If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
