There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
