If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
