She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
