This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
