Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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