the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
