Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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