I am spending my child support on dildos
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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