I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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