if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Houston, we have a blender
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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