I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
