the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
