I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
