When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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