Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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