If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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