OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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