i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
