If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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