You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my poor anus
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
