i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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