I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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