he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
