Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
