dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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