Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
