He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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