i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
