At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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