So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
