Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
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Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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