I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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