You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
