So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He shit in the fireplace
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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