Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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