so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
