if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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